My new career?

It's that time again! The return of holiday commercials! I'm such a sucker for that smarmy stuff. But even as I tear up as Grandma draws a map with Cheerios for the most adorable baby ever, I can't help thinking to myself, "Karen, you are in the wrong profession. Appearing in holiday commercials — that's where the real money is."

As I see it, the trick is to be in a commercial with staying power. There's no point in being in a holiday commercial that only sees airtime one season before disappearing into the television ether. But what kind of commercial is guaranteed to be played year after year? A commercial for a big company, you might guess. Good idea. But I've got an even better one: the USPS.

That's right, folks — barring a national catastrophe, there will always be a United States Postal Service. And what better time for it to advertise than around the holidays? "Send gifts to your loved ones with the United States Postal Service!" A timeless message.

So, uh, yeah, if you know of any opportunities for me to be in a USPS holiday commercial, please let me know. Sure, I'm not an actress, nor am I good-looking enough for it to be worth anyone's money for me to just grace the background with my beauty. But I buy stamps occasionally, so I'd say I'm qualified. Don't you think?